In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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