Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
