I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
