i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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