Your mouth is God's brothel.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
