Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
