you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
