everyone is single if you try hard enough
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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