i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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