I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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