When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
