Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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