Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
