so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
When are your genitals available?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
