I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
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PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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