my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
