are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
