Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
