I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
