It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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