So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
