8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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