In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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