you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
