Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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