Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
