So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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