So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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