The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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