took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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