Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
