i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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