Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
