I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
