you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
