he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
