so explain again why im purple
no
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
