He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
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Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN