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• (352): View more from Florida

  I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.

  (352): View more from Florida

  Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars

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  19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive

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• (620): View more from Kansas

  In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.

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• (315): View more from New York

  My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.

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• (707): View more from California

  I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.

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• (845): View more from New York

  No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown

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  25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To

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• (817): View more from Texas

  I think that's mostly how we became friends.

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.

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• (416): View more from Toronto

  also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm

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• (865): View more from Tennessee

  I need a hug and tequila

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  This is why we need to live in the same city again

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• (310): View more from California

  You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now

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• (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  the night was just a blur of sex and pie

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.

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