I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
