just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
