Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
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