I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
