saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen