i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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