it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
