Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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