So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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