Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
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