fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
