Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
