Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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