I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
