His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
