No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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