just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
