I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
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