My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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