I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
