I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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