when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
