I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Your cock deserves a montage
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
