Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
