I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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