just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Never let your siblings swipe right.