Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i would punch a child for taco bell
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.