wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
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she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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