you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
